“Good morning, Changbin, I’m Shina,” the therapist said, looking at her client with a genuine yet unauthentic smile, a misplaced happiness that even Changbin could see did not belong to her face at all. He did not dwell on it too much, only opting to look away from her warm and friendly gaze.
He did not deserve the kindness the person was offering him, he thought.
Not discouraged, the woman cleared her throat in an attempt to get his attention. “I understand that you’re not comfortable with speaking to me,” she said, her voice lower than a whisper. Her smile reached her eyes, yet when Changbin stared into it, he could see that the eyes were empty, devoid of any positive emotion.
What a funny thing, he scoffed internally. Broken herself, yet wanting to help other broken souls.
Because the emotions swirling in her eyes mirrored his own. How hopeless he felt, how he could be better off dying because people wouldn’t mind, how he could not do anything because he felt so stupidly sluggish.
His expression must have changed, because she chuckled softly, holding her wrist tightly. “You might be wondering why I’m here helping you,” she administered, voice lowering into a whisper. “I should be getting help too, right? Why am I helping others when I need to be helped, too?”
“The answer is simple,” she continued, not waiting for his reply, not that he was about to anyway. “I’m merely helping myself by helping others. It may be temporary, but it’s a calm respite against that heavy feeling I get from my own demons pestering me.” Her eyes found Changbin’s faraway gaze, seeing them snap into focus as soon as it bored into his soul. “You understand that too, right?”
And Changbin did. More than anything.
He had always done it with Chan and Jisung, way before he even realised that he needed help. Way before even him being in the state he was in at that moment. Every single time, when Jisung needed to talk to him about his (confusing) feelings about a certain someone, he’d be there to listen to him and give him the advice he needed. Every single time, when Chan was about to be driven to a wall and just wanted to overwhelm himself with his work just to escape his own feelings, he would be there to talk him out of it and convince him to spill how he felt. Every single time, he would be there to listen to how Hyunjin was sick of the way the fans sexualise him, and reassure the taller male that he was more than his face. He would be there when Felix felt down and just needed cuddles for the night to replenish the feeling of abandonment he sometimes felt, always making sure he was okay with it.
He’d always care about others.
Sure, they gave him the temporary satisfaction, but he would not feel… fulfilled.
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